Living In Her Shadow
by Samantha Jane Hardy
Summary: Matt thought they had the perfect relationship, except he hasn't forgotten his first love. Samantha is her own person. Can Matt wake up and love Samantha for who she is before he loses her? Please read and review!
1. Default Chapter

Living In Her Shadow  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Matt entered the bedroom to find Samantha moving back and forth between the dresser and a nearly full suitcase which laid open on the bed. He stopped at the foot of the bed, watching her as she placed more clothing into the suitcase. Samantha turned and started towards the dresser again without acknowledging Matt's presence.  
  
"What's happened? What's going on?" Matt asked still following her with his eyes.  
  
Samantha didn't answer him, she didn't look at him. She continued to take more clothing from the dresser drawer and turned back towards the bed.  
  
Matt reached forward and closed the suitcase. "What is going on?" Where are you going?" Matt yelled, his eyes searching her face for answers. "Samantha . . . talk to me, please?" He pleaded with her.  
  
Samantha looked down at the clothes in her arms, seemingly ashamed. "I'm leaving, Matt." She answered, still focused on the clothes.  
  
Matt placed his hand on her arm hoping she would face him. "I can see that. Where are you going?"  
  
"I'm staying with Jen for a while." Samantha said softly, refusing to meet his gaze.  
  
"Why? Samantha, what is this?" Matt questioned, shocked by her response.  
  
Samantha looked up to face Matt for the first time and her face was expressionless. She had to be strong. She had to deal with this. She had let things go on long enough. Now was the time. "I can't do this anymore. I can't stay here . . . with you." She paused, allowing him to hear what she was saying. She knew these were difficult things to hear. "We have been together for five years now and you still can't talk about our future. We fight all the time and when we aren't fighting, we barely say two words to each other. You don't even touch me anymore." Samantha looked away from Matt. She had practiced this a million times in her head and she knew this would be difficult, but it was almost too much to bear. She knew she had to hold her ground and not show signs of doubt or weakness. It was all for the best. Turning away from him, she tried to hide her tears. "I know I'm not your first choice." She started. "You're here because she's isn't . . . because she never will be. And I can accept that. I miss her too, but it's been more than seven years. Lately, I feel like you don't think of me as a friend, never mind a girl friend. It's like you don't even know I'm here."  
  
Matt was dumbfounded. Had she felt this way all this time? Did she think their time together had been a waste? "How could you say that?" He asked, almost demanding an answer.  
  
Samantha pushed his hand from her arms and backed away from Matt. In all the time she had known this man, she had never seen him like this, so upset. Staring at him, her eyes fixed on his, she almost didn't recognize him. His brow was furrowed and his eyes were wide. He even seemed to be bearing his teeth. This was not the gentle, kind man she had given her heart to. Samantha was frightened by this change in Matt.  
  
Matt saw the fear and concern in Samantha's eyes. He turned his back to her. He couldn't face her like this, not until he was able to control his emotions.  
  
Samantha was giving her dresser one last glance, making sure she hadn't forgotten to pack anything when she felt Matt's left hand lightly touch the small of her back and his right hand gently massage her shoulder.  
  
"Don't you know how much you mean to me?" He asked quietly, almost whispering.  
  
Samantha didn't respond. She wasn't sure what to expect from him.  
  
Matt reached around her to grab her arms. Slowly and gently, he turned Samantha to face him. "I was going to wait until tomorrow night, but I think now is just as good a time." He then lowered himself to one knee before her. She saw him take something from the back pocket of his jeans. "Samantha McAllister, will you marry me?"  
  
Samantha pulled her eyes from his and noticed that what he had taken from his pocket was a sparkling diamond ring set delicately in a black velvet box. She was overwhelmed. She had to think. Wasn't this what she wanted? Obviously he had planned to ask her to marry him and he truly cared for her. 


	2. Chapter 2

1 Living In Her Shadow  
  
1.1 Chapter 2  
  
Samantha couldn't move. Her mind was racing but she kept coming back to the same thought. Is it really me he wants?  
  
Mackenzie was everything one person could hope to be . . . beautiful, intelligent, sweet, and kind. Samantha envied how easy things seemed to be for her. They had known each other since they were small children. Samantha could still remember meeting her that day in first grade. A little girl with blond pigtails and big, bright, blue eyes stood before the class. She stood tall as the other kids looker her over, wondering who she was and where she had come from. If she was scared or nervous, she never let on. Mrs. Smith introduced her to the class, Mackenzie Stewart. Mrs. Smith assigned her a seat next to Samantha. From then on, Mackenzie and Samantha were the closest of friends, and in thirteen years there had never been a harsh word between them.  
  
Mackenzie and Matt had been high school sweethearts, but Samantha could remember him tagging along with them long before high school. He was devoted to her. If there was anything she ever needed or wanted, all she had to do was ask and he was more than happy to provide. Samantha was jealous of their relationship, not that she wanted to be with Matt, she wanted what they had. Samantha had her share of boyfriends in high school and plenty of her own high school drama, but she secretly yearned to be as in love as Mackenzie and Matt were, and to have someone love her in return. It was never her plan to end up with her best friend's boyfriend. It just happened. Lately Samantha wondered if it were all coincidence or if Matt was trying to hold on to a piece of Mackenzie in some way.  
  
Samantha forced herself to remember where she was and what was happening. She looked down at Matt who gazed back at her expectantly. "Tell me that you want me. Tell me that you need me."  
  
She saw a stunned look cross Matt's face. This wasn't what he expected to hear. As her words registered in his head, a look of sadness and disappointment appeared.  
  
"You can't, can you?" Samantha questioned him. "I know you miss her, I do too. Everyday I think of her, but my life has to go on and so does yours." Samantha continued, hoping he would see that she understood how he felt. "I never expected you to stop loving her, but I expected you to love me. I don't care what you say but tell me something . . . anything to make me stay. Make it good. I may not be the one you want, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be someone you settle for." Samantha was becoming more and more upset. "Unrequited love is something for sonnets and Greek tragedies. I deserve more than stress and frustration. I deserve someone who can love me and care for me as much as I do for him. Someone who will love me for who I am, not for who I remind him of." Samantha paused to calm herself. She didn't want Matt to feel like she was attacking him. She loved him. "I don't think that's asking too much. If you can't handle that, please, let me know now . . . before it's too late, before one of us makes the mistake of a lifetime."  
  
Matt didn't know what to do or how to respond.  
  
Samantha allowed him a moment to grasp what she had said. The she softly brushed her hand across his cheek. There was a gentle quality to her as she spoke. "I want to be your wife. I want to spend my life with you. I just need to know that you really want to be with me, that you aren't wishing I were someone else. I've spent the last five years loving and supporting you, trying to live up to this memory you have of the perfect woman. I can't compete with that, and I won't. Either you can let go of her and accept me for me . . . or you can let me go." Samantha ended solemnly. 


	3. Chapter 3

Living In Her Shadow  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Matt was dumbfounded. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. He couldn't grasp what was going on. Part of him was angry. How could she leave him like this? What made her think she could issue an ultimatum to him? Yet another part of him was ashamed. Had he made her feel this way? Matt knew things had been difficult lately, even trying, but hadn't he always shown Samantha that she was loved. Mostly, he was confused. He felt like he'd been blindsided. Why didn't he see this coming?  
  
Samantha backed away from him, placed the clothing in her arms into the suitcase on the bed, and closed it. She looked back at Matt, still on one knee. He seemed to be wrestling with his thoughts. This was the hardest thing she ever had to do. She was leaving the man she loved. She tried to rationalize her leaving to herself once again. "If he can't convince me that he's not thinking of Mac, how can he convince himself? How can he move on? And how could I let myself be with someone who doesn't see me?" She murmured under her breath. "It's for the best, it has to be. Maybe he'll finally be able to let her go." She picked up the suitcase and walked past Matt, avoiding eye contact. Quickly she glanced back at him. He seemed hurt and broken. Tears began streaming down her face. She didn't want to hurt him, but she couldn't pretend that everything was okay anymore. She was at the door when she heard him calling her.  
  
"Samantha . . ." He spoke, barely audible.  
  
Samantha stopped where she stood, but didn't turn around to face him. She knew that if she faced him she wouldn't be able to leave.  
  
"Samantha, we can work this out. I know things haven't been great, but they haven't been all that bad." He said. There was a lack of compassion and understanding in his voice. He didn't know what to say, what she wanted to hear. He loved her, he knew that and so should she. He meant to make her stay, but he came off more as a man who simply didn't understand her feelings.  
  
That's all he has to say to me? She thought. I thought I meant something to him, I thought he cared about me. He doesn't get it. Samantha walked away with a heavy weight on her shoulders. Not only did she lose the only man she ever loved, it turns out he didn't really love her. As she approached the door to their apartment, she could hold back the tears no longer. Her eyes were flooded and as she let her emotions go. She began to hyperventilate, but kept moving. She needed to leave, this was the hard part . . . leaving. Samantha reached her car and placed the suitcase in the back seat. Once she was seated in the driver's seat, she tried as best she could to get herself together. As she backed out of the driveway, she saw Matt run out of the apartment. He was coming towards her. She threw the car into drive. She knew that if he were to catch up to her, she probably wouldn't be able to do this.  
  
He wasn't able to catch up to her. She couldn't wait to get away from me. Matt collapsed in the driveway, where her car had been. Matt didn't know what else to do. Wasn't my proposal proof that I wanted her, loved her? What else does she want? "Why? What went wrong? Why is this happening?" Matt howled at the sky. "Samantha!" He yelled, pounding the ground. The neighbors across the street were staring at the scene. One whispering to the other about what they had witnessed. After a few minutes of watching Matt bloody himself, lost in a flood of tears, a man from next door picked him up from the ground and helped him back into the house. 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: "Just give him one more chance." Samantha closed the front door behind her, hung her jacket in the closet in the front hallway and placed her purse and keys on the small table in the foyer.  
  
Jennifer turned her head as she heard Samantha come in. "Hey there."  
  
Samantha collapsed beside her on the couch, exhausted. She felt drained these days. She knew why, the whole world must know, she wore her despair on her face like a big, blinking sign.  
  
Jennifer abruptly turned off the television. "He's called about eight thousand times. There are five messages from him on the machine. When are you going to talk to him?" She asked, the concern obvious in her tone.  
  
Samantha let out a deep sigh. She wasn't in the mood for this. She knew she would have to deal with it eventually, but she wasn't ready yet. "I'll erase the messages. I'm sure he'll stop calling after a few more days." She answered, avoiding the true issue at hand.  
  
Jennifer had been skeptical of Samantha's relationship at first. She often had wondered if Matt was with Sam just because she reminded him of MacKenzie. Over time, she saw how happy they were and it seemed natural that they be together. Jennifer knew Sam was hurting, but she could also hear the pain in Matt's voice each time he called. Whatever was going on between them, it was tearing them apart inside. "A few more days? Sam, it's been three weeks!" Jennifer was getting heated herself. She took a moment to calm her emotions before beginning again. "Besides, that's not the point. I don't care how many times a day he calls or how many messages he leaves. You two belong together. I don't know what Matt did to make you so upset. I can't even begin to imagine what could possibly have happened to cause you to put yourself and Matt through all this heartache, but you need to do something about it."  
  
"He doesn't love me!" Samantha blurted out, tears welling up in her eyes. "Alright? The trust is he doesn't see me, I'm just a stand in! Matt has never gotten over losing MacKenzie! He knows he can't have her, but I'm the next best thing, her best friend!" She couldn't stop the tears as hard as she tried. "I've known that he felt this way for a long time, but I never allowed myself to see it. Honestly, I tricked myself into believing he loved me. You remember how in love he and MacKenzie were. I was always jealous of that. I wanted to know what it was like to love someone whole- heartedly and have them love you like that in return. I was foolish, but not anymore."  
  
Jennifer was shocked. * She can't really believe that Matt doesn't love her. After all this time?* "Sam, I'm going to be honest with you. When you and Matt first started seeing each other, I have to admit, I thought it would never work. I thought what you're thinking now, it's just a way to keep MacKenzie alive and in your hearts. Over time, I learned that I was wrong. And so are you. Maybe that's how your relationship started, but look at you two, look at how long you've been together. That's more than just grief. Sure MacKenzie and Matt were good together, but you and he are so much more. It's more than just finishing each other's sentences and spending time together, it's the way you talk about one another when you're with other people, the things you enjoy about each other. It's hard to figure out where one ends and the other begins." Jennifer stopped, waiting for Samantha's reaction.  
  
Sam sat beside, trying to hold back the tears, saying nothing.  
  
Jennifer sighed before continuing. "You probably don't believe me now because I know you and I know you don't want to hear any of this. Just listen to his messages . . . really listen. His heart is broken, not because he can't be with Mac, but because he's lost you. Just hear what he has to say, he may surprise you. I want you to be happy and if this is what will make you happy, then okay, I'll support you. Just give him one more chance." With that, Jennifer got up and went to her room, closing the door behind her, leaving Samantha to think out what she had said. 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 There was a knock on the door. Samantha jumped up from the couch, thankful for a distraction. "Yes?" She asked as she whipped open the door.  
  
Slowly he rose his head. His dark, sullen eyes met hers. His hair unruly, his skin pale, he seemed to have barely enough energy to hold himself up. He was a hollow shell of a man.  
  
"Matt?" Samantha gasped, beginning to close the door. Her mind racing with a thousand thoughts.  
  
"Sam, please." He pleaded, causing her to stop. "I know you don't want to talk to me, but please, don't close the door in my face."  
  
Her world had stopped. He was right. She had hurt him, left him without warning. How could she disrespect him like that? No matter what their issues were, he didn't deserve that.  
  
Samantha opened the door wider and turned towards Jennifer's room, moving before her mind even had time to register where she was going and why.  
  
"It's obvious you don't care what I have to say to you anyway. You don't answer the phone and you won't even return my messages. To think, I used to believe you loved me." He scoffed.  
  
Samantha stopped where she was, a few feet from the open doorway. Her body was paralyzed by his words. "What do you mean?" She asked when she was able to speak again. She turned back to face him. "I did love. I do love you."  
  
"This is how you treat people you love?" Matt added. "What did I do to make you treat me this way? What happened?"  
  
"You didn't do anything wrong. That was never the problem." She tried to explain. Their breakup hadn't been about a lack of love. Samantha had always made sure to let him know how she felt for him. She often feared she was too open with her affections towards him. She also knew that he loved well. They're problem was that she felt he loved someone else, someone she couldn't be. Maybe he didn't realize it. Maybe he didn't want to face it. * How can I make him understand? *  
  
"I thought you were happy. That's all I ever wanted, to spend the rest of my life making you happy." The desperation in his eyes cut through her.  
  
Samantha couldn't speak. She kept staring at the man before her. Matt had been a strong, handsome, charismatic man, a man who could instatnly put you at ease with a look. Samantha realized she had broken this man down. And now, it seemed she had been wrong all along. "I thought I was a replacement. I thought I was there to take the place of Mac."  
  
Author's Note: Sorry to make this a short chapter. Y'all have been great and very patient. I know that this story is coming along really slowly and I'll try to update more often, but I can't make any promises. There have been a lot of stressful events in my personal life lately and writing this story is a bit depressing so far. I'm hoping for a happy ending, I guess we'll just have to see where this story takes me. Thank you for your great reviews, I appreciate the support. Remember, if you have any ideas as to what you would like to happen with this story, just let me know. I'm open to suggestions and I try to work them into my stories if I can. As always, don't forget to review!! ~ Sam 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6  
  
"Oh, hi Matt." Jennifer's voice broke into the awkwardness as she approached the foyer. "I thought I heard your voice."  
  
"Hey, Jen." Matt responded, not taking his eyes away from Samantha.  
  
"Yeah, I was just going to tell you that Matt was here for you." Samantha said when Jennifer stopped at her side.  
  
"Well, you two are talking and I don't want to interrupt . . ." Jennifer started.  
  
"You're not interrupting. Besides, you guys have plans and I don't want to keep you from them." Samantha hurriedly cut Jennifer off.  
  
"We don't really have plans. We're just hanging out, nothing formal." Jennifer added.  
  
"Jenny, it's fine. I'll be fine. You guys should get going. Have fun." Samantha insisted, nudging Jennifer towards the open doorway. Samantha had made a horrible mistake and the truth was, she didn't want to face Matt right now. How could she? After the torment she had caused him just because of her own warped insecurities.  
  
"All right, if you're sure?" Jennifer asked a bit weary at Samantha's desire to be rid of them.  
  
"I'm sure. It's okay, really." She answered.  
  
"Okay. Are you ready?" Jennifer asked, turning to Matt.  
  
He nodded in response and he and Jennifer turned and started to his car in the driveway.  
  
Samantha smiled after them from the doorway until they reached his car. As soon as she closed the door, she collapsed onto the floor in a mass of tears. * What have I done? I just gave up on the best thing in my life, and for what? Maybe, it'll be okay. Maybe he'll forgive me. Forgive me? Now I must be crazy. I can't ask him to forgive me for breaking his heart, for ignoring him, for telling him his love wasn't good enough. How do you forgive something like that? How can I expect him to? *  
  
A few hours later . . .  
  
The banging jolted Samantha awake with a startle. She had cried herself to sleep where she laid in front of the door. After a moment, she was alert enough to realize that the banging was coming from the door she rested against. She wiped the salty residue from her face and slowly got up from the floor. She opened the door to find Matt standing before her.  
  
"Matt? What are you doing here? Where's Jenny?" Samantha asked, looking past him, searching for Jennifer.  
  
"She was meeting up with someone when I left her. I had to see you." Matt said.  
  
The intensity in his eyes shot through Samantha.  
  
"Can I come in. Can we talk?" He asked hopefully.  
  
Samantha didn't speak, she only opened the door wider to allow him to enter. She closed the door after him, turned, and headed for the living room.  
  
Matt followed close behind her. Despite the weeks apart and the grueling emotional roller coaster, he still wanted nothing more than to reach out to her, to hold her in his arms. Even after hearing her words run through his mind all these weeks, he wasn't able to understand how she could feel the way she did. * How could she think that she was just a substitute for Mac? I love her. I thought she knew that. Why didn't she tell me what was going on before she left? Why couldn't she talk to me? *  
  
Samantha sat on the couch and Matt sat right beside her. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Matt took advantage of their closeness, using that precious time to take her presence in. He missed her warmth, her smell, her softness.  
  
"Matt, I owe you an apology. I've treated you awfully. No matter what is going on between us, you deserve better." Samantha said, breaking the silence between them.  
  
Matt was relieved by her words, he didn't know where to start, what to say. "Samantha, I understand that you need your space right now. I can't say that I understand how you feel or what you're thinking, but I know you're having a hard time. If space is what you need to be able to sort things out, you have it. I won't bother you anymore, but you don't owe me anything. I love you. I didn't mean to pressure you. I truly want you to be happy." 


	7. Chapter 7

The sound of jingling keys pulled Samantha from her dream. Her mind fought to remain in the warm comfort of her fantasy. This was the first night of restful sleep she'd had in this house and she was bothered by the interruption. Her arms were heavy as she brought her hands to her face, wiping her eyes before slowly opening them. She squinted against the glaring sunlight that streamed through the living room window, forcing its way through the curtains that did little to diffuse the strength of the light. Behind her, Samantha heard footsteps on the hard wood floors in the foyer. She sat up on the couch and craned her head around to catch sight of Jenn walking past the doorway.  
  
"Hey. Are you just getting home?" Samantha asked.  
  
Jenn stopped in the doorway. "Yeah, I stayed at Brian's house last night." A smile spread across her face and she chuckled aloud. "I see you had company yourself."  
  
Samantha gave Jenn a curious look. She turned to see Matt sleeping peacefully beside her on the couch. It saddened her to think her insecurities were to blame for their misery. Samantha couldn't help but think all this pain and awkwardness between them could have been avoided had she only talked to him in the first place. Instead, she acted rashly, foregoing any opportunity for explanations or justifications, something she now regretted. Samantha had lost herself in her thoughts and completely forgot she had been talking to Jenn. When she finally realized, she turned her attention back to the doorway and was surprised to find Jenn had gone.  
  
She sat back against the couch, resting her head against its back. She allowed her head to gently fall to the side and her eyes rested on Matt's face. It had been weeks since they last shared a bed and she had thought they never would again, but it seemed second nature to lay next to him now. Perhaps they would find their way back to one another.  
  
The day was still early and the sunlight began to irritate Samantha's eyes. She closed them, hoping to guard against the burning sensation. A short time later she was snuggled up to Matt, her head against his chest, her arms curled around his body.  
  
A few hours later she awoke to the soothing feeling of Matt's hands as he ran them through her hair. Softly, she stirred in his arms and gently kissed his bare chest. He protectively hugged her closed to him. Neither dared to say anything for fear they would ruin this blissful moment.  
  
After about twenty minutes of quietly lying contently in each other's embrace, Samantha broke the silence. "I should get up and get going."  
  
"Or you could just let me hold you." Matt replied.  
  
"I would love to, but I'm meeting up with Jonathan."  
  
"Oh. I see." The disappointment in his voice was obvious, despite his attempt at indifference. He released his grasp and moved to sit up.  
  
Samantha sat up as well and moved away from him, sensing he wanted a little distance from her. "I've cancelled twice already. He'd never forgive me if I cancelled again." She tried to explain.  
  
Matt stared out into the distance. "It's okay. I understand. I should get going anyways." He rose from the couch, picked his shirt up from the arm of the couch and proceeded to put it on. He looked around the living room; looking for anything else he might have left lying around. He got his jacket from a nearby chair. His movements were rigid and mechanical and he refused to look at Samantha.  
  
"Matt, I just want you to know that it's not like I want to spend time with Jonathan more than I want to be with you. I just . . . I promised him." She added, trying to reassure him.  
  
Matt didn't attempt a response; he simply headed for the front door. Samantha followed close behind him. When they reached the front door, both stopped. "Well, I'll see you around, I guess."  
  
"Yeah, I'd really like that." Samantha replied with a smile, hoping to lighten the mood.  
  
Matt turned, opened the door, and left; leaving Samantha standing in the open doorway wondering what had just happened between them. For a few minutes, Samantha stood in the doorway, staring after him, bewildered. 


End file.
